The truth as I see it Ruth

by elusiveunderstanding5

 I’m sitting here at this desk right now writing this when I should be sleeping. But I thought this was important, I needed to vent and get some things off of my chest. Writing is one of the few things I’m good at and able to put onto the paper what my problems are has been therapeutic in the past. Instead of somber Facebook posts and cryptic tweets, I thought I’d write a blog post since it’s been a while. I’m in the military as most of you should know by now judging by the pictures and comments on my wall. I’ve been in about 5 months now and I’ve learned certain things about myself both good and bad. With that being said, I do wish I had taken more time doing research and finding out what exactly the military was about. I went into that recruiter’s office a desperate man. I had just graduated college with a degree in psychology and a minor in English. I was happy to have finally graduated but had no plans or direction for my life. What I was going to do with that Psychology degree was yet to be determined. I was often told by people that I’m a good writer and that I should pursue something related to that. At the time, I thought this was just something people said to toot my horn so that I would help them with their papers or whatever it was they had to write. I feel the recruiter picked up on the air of desperation surrounding me and he immediately knew I would sign regardless of what words my mouth might say. The truth is I had already decided before I even stepped into that office that I was going to sign. Granted, my recruiter did what many recruiters do, he lied and told me a lot of half-truths. I ate it up like candy even though a part of me knew better. I wanted to do something with journalism but I was told the Army no longer offers that MOS due to budget cuts. There were other options such as Animal care specialist, chaplains assistant, and Cav Scout. But one option in particular stood out: Infantry. This was the case because it was the antithesis of me as a person. A grunt personifies people that are tough, hard, and sure of themselves. Essentially, those traits are the opposite of me as my insecurities are a pool that I often struggle to swim in, almost drowning each day. After a few days, after which my recruiter told me there were only a few openings for the Infantry, I told him to sign me up. This was going to be my ticket, my way to grow and get away from the same old shit that happened everyday. My life had become an uneventful soap opera; one so redundant that even bored grandmothers would cease watching. I was always that shy insecure guy. I never got the girl because she was always either into my friend or just didn’t see me in that way. I was never the guy that people looked to for leadership or guidance. Usually, I just flew under the radar only offering my two cents to friends and family. Even when I was adept at something, I’d retreat to the background letting others take control because I always doubted my skills. My fate was set, I signed up for the Infantry. Fast forward 5 months, I sit here wishing I had thought out my decision rather than just jumping at the first mos that grabbed my attention. I wish I had held my ground and waited until the recruiter gave me what I wanted. This writing thing is my gift; it is the one thing that I can do well and the one thing I don’t have to doubt myself in. Basic Training and AIT pushed me as a person in certain respects and I’m glad to be able to have gone through those experiences. But so far, in Ft. Bliss, my first duty station, I now see what the Infantry life is about and this is not for me. I have an obligation and am willing to do my time but eventually I want to be writing and doing something I love. I never thought I could make an income off of writing. I simply thought of that as a pipe dream or some fantasy in my head. I have a vivid imagination so it’s hard for me to believe certain things can be true. But now, more than ever, I want to move onto the next chapter of my life and use the gift I’ve been given. The goal is to ultimately be writing and making a living from it. For now, I have to fight on and embrace the suck.