Random musings of an insecure narcissist

Month: July, 2014

Self-Deprecating Quicksand

    I was debating on whether or not I should write this or not. I was hesitating initially because it’s a somber subject. It’s a subject that not too many people want to read about or hear about it. Honestly, it’s not that fun writing about it either. This is because what I’m about to write can be easily misunderstood or misinterpreted. That’s one of the things you always have to worry about as a writer. You’re writing to a certain audience but you hope that audience gets the gist of what you’re trying to say and doesn’t run with it in the other direction. Anyway, I decided to write this so here goes nothing.

   The title might seem weird but I felt it captured what I’m trying to talk about in this post. Negativity or the wrong mindset is the topic at hand in this post. Nobody hates on me more than the man in the mirror. I might seem anxious at work or lost in the sauce, so to speak. But no one makes me feel more like shit than the man in the mirror. I am my biggest critic. You’d think this would help to push me and achieve the things I want to achieve. Honestly, in some instances, it has done exactly that.

   However,  the flip side of that is that this negativity is like a disease and it has become such a major part of who I am that I have begun to revel in it. There’s a quote that comes to mind here. Einstein says, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” The problem with negativity is that it spreads if you don’t do anything to combat it. Eventually, it becomes a part of your moral fiber and you actually start believing the negative things people say.

  You start believing you are lower than the dirt that you walk on. You start believing you are a moron and it was a miracle that you graduated college. This is because the negativity has  been unchecked for so long, that it becomes a normal part of your being. It even gets to the point that you become comfortable with those negative thoughts. The outside observer can see the self-destructive qualities of those thoughts but the afflicted individual has become desensitized in a sense. To that individual, those thoughts are just part of everyday life. People tell you to suck it up or get over it but they fail to realize that those thoughts have been festering for a long period of time.

  These thoughts seep into your mentality and interfere with a progressive mindset. Instead, you become focused on the negative aspects or all of the things that went wrong or could go wrong. This becomes an everyday thing until it gets to the point where it’s almost abnormal for you to have a positive thought or outlook. It’s a tough thing to break out of. It’s a prison of the mind. The crucial aspect of this is that it’s a prison of your construction.

 When people say the mind is a powerful thing, they have no idea the degree of profundity that resides in that statement. The mind is a very powerful organ; so much so, that its true power has not been discovered by even the brightest of neuroscientists and neurosurgeons. The study of the brain is an ever-expanding field and only time will tell how much more there is to discover about this powerful organ. With all that being said, one of the hardest things to grow out of or combat is this pattern of negative thinking. That has been one of my greatest battles and one that I still struggle with. People may read this and have their own opinion about the subject. That’s fine as that’s the whole point of this blog; however, my thing is that I want to be honest in my writing. Meaning, even if it’s a depressing topic or something taboo, I will try to be as honest as possible.





Dating Sites

I’m 25 and I’m an Indian male. Furthermore, I am single. Immediately, that raises red flags in an Indian household. I am 5 years away from 30 and in the prime of my life. As a result, it is time to find a mate and my mom is always asking me if I’m hiding a girl from her. The truth is there’s no hidden supermodel although maybe in an alternate universe, an alternate version of me is with said supermodel. However in this reality, the truth is I just haven’t found her yet. Truth is, I don’t know if she exists or if she’s merely a figment of my imagination.

I have a vision of what I’m looking for but that template changes quite frequently. I’m on a few dating sites but the main topic at hand has been working on myself. Ft. Bliss is lonely at times and I see these other soldiers with their wives and girlfriends and do envy them at times. On the other hand, I see all of the arguments and headaches that being in a relationship brings and at those times, I’m happy that I’m single. For whatever reason, on these dating sites, only obese women seem to want to meet me or message me. I understand everybody needs love but I’m in the military so any girl I ultimately end up with, I hope she’s in at least some kind of shape.

I want a girl that pushes me and challenges me, not one that encourages my laziness and does nothing to get me off of the couch. Also, the problem with these dating sites is that people can manufacture images just like they can on social media. A lot of these girls are not who they present themselves to be. Of course, this goes both ways as guys lie all of the time on these sites as well. Point being, it’s hard to find something real on these sites compounded by the fact that I don’t have a car right now.

I’ve always thought of myself as a lost puzzle piece. I know I fit in somewhere but it’s always been a journey of self-discovery. That discovery has not yet been made. I don’t know if there’s a female out there that can handle the brand of crazy I bring to the table. If she’s out there, then she deserves a medal for her skills in concealment.

Being single is not all that bad, at least I don’t have someone nagging and telling me what to do all the time. However, in Indian families, once you reach a certain age, the only topic of conversation seems to be marriage. I’m doing fine being single and then I’m constantly reminded how I have nobody by family members asking me when I’m getting married. My grandmother is eagerly awaiting the day I call her and tell her I’m getting married. This is even though I’ve told her countless times I’m never getting married. I’ve seen some horrible things in certain marriages and that has made me question whether I could ever trust a female like that. Marriage is a big step and one thing I hate is nagging. I don’t think I could be with a woman that nags 24/7. The main thing though, for me, is that I still have a lot to work on as a person before I can take on dealing with another person for the rest of my life. I don’t know. As you can surmise by reading this, I am quite perplexed when it comes to matters such as these.




30 Day Writing Challenge Day #1

In the book I recently began reading, it says you have to just write and not worry about whether or not what you’re writing sucks. In essence, the idea it is trying to push across is you can never produce something good unless you’re willing to start out with something bad. Everyone in this day and age wants to be a writer. The metaphor used in the book concerns swimmers and olympic athletes. Everyone and their mom’s think they can write the next great American novel whereas they marvel at the amazing things athletes do. For whatever reason, it is presumed that writing is easy and that all one has to do is simply sit down and begin writing. A lot of people say things like, “Well, if I had the time, I could probably write something worthwhile.” The truth is that logic is an insult to all of the great writers out there. Writing is most definitely a skill and one that has to be practiced. Not just anyone can sit down and produce a masterpiece. Writing is an art and one that can be perfected over time. It’s unfortunate that the masses believe otherwise as many great authors had to struggle initially in order to eventually produce the great works they produced. It’s ironic how many people say English degrees are worthless or a waste of money. This is because many employers rate writing as one of the most important skills to have. This is because it is important to be able to express yourself in a coherent manner. If some of us wrote the way we speak, we would never get hired anyway. You have to be able to present yourself in a manner in which you’re able to showcase your valuable attributes. Two of my favorite authors are Stephen King and Michael Connelly. I love the Harry Bosch series by Michael Connelly as that’s probably my favorite detective series. I’d read anything by Stephen King even if he was at a restaurant and simply wrote a few words on a napkin. He’s best known for his horror stories but I feel that’s a label that’s unfair at times because his works have so much more to offer. I’m not the biggest horror fan but Stephen King stories are not just horror stories, he provides a window into the hearts and minds of people. He shows what people can do at their best and at their worst. Michael Connelly’s character, Harry Bosch, makes me want to become a cop as he’s the type of cop that makes you believe not every cop out there is an asshole out to get you. I love reading even though I don’t read as much as I used to. I remember I used to sit in my room and read for hours. I would be locked into the book and essentially be in my own little happy world. Nothing would distract me and my mom would often have to call me more than two times just to get my attention. Nothing mattered in that moment, it was just me and the book. Those characters were not just words on paper but something more concrete. It was almost as if those characters became real in those moments. It was almost as if their pain was my pain, their struggles were my struggles. I felt like I was bleeding when they got hurt. It was always bittersweet when I finished a great book. A part of me was content that there was a resolution while the other part of me was actually longing to reconnect with those characters.