Defy all rationale

by elusiveunderstanding5

I do things and I don’t understand why. It seems I’m never decisive about anything. It’s almost as if I do things on a whim rather than thinking them out or having any real plan. For instance, I went to Vegas and ended up getting a tattoo about 3 years ago without planning to get one. In that moment, I just didn’t care and went to the tattoo parlor by myself and decided to get one. Granted, I have grown to love that tattoo and what it stands for. I don’t really regret the tattoo. A big example of this lack of thought is joining the Army. I had considered the military in High School but it was not a thoroughly drawn out process. A few recruiters had come to my house and we talked for a few hours. That was the extent to which I thought about it. Eventually, my parents were against the whole idea and I was fine with that. I went to East Carolina University and originally I was going to go for the Indian dream and become a doctor. But that wasn’t me and I ultimately changed my major. That has always been me, I have never been the typical Indian and I have never fit the mold. I suck at math and I am far from technologically savvy. If anything, I make my people look bad if you’re going off of the stereotypes. I switched my major to Psychology but the truth is I never really had a plan. I didn’t truly know what I wanted to do with a Psychology degree. My one skill is writing and so I minored in English. I even wrote for the East Carolinian, ECU’s university paper. I had wanted to study English at one point but my parents as well as conventional wisdom said that those degrees are worthless. So after I graduated, I had loans to pay and my options were scarce. I was confused and unsure of what I wanted to do. This took a toll on my mentality as I felt like a loser and it seemed everyone else in the world had found their calling. At that moment, I was tired of my family’s bitching about how other people’s kids were becoming doctors and pharmacists. I decided then and there that I had to do something. I started looking at the military as a real option. At first, I was looking for something that related to psychology and/or writing. But due to my ignorance at the time as well as the government cutbacks, there were no MOS’s that really complemented my skills. The other problem is my skills are useless most of the time because I don’t know how to market them or put myself in a position where I could actually use them. I’ve always been more of an imaginative person and an idealist. I’d have many ideas but I would do nothing about it practically. I’d just wait and assume that the universe will work its magic and somehow I would find my way to the right door, so to speak. I started looking into the Infantry because it was something completely outside the realm of what I would normally do or what people would expect of me. I watched videos on Youtube of the training and read about people’s experiences online. It seemed challenging but I felt the people who made it through that training were rewarded with a palpable sense of accomplishment. I wanted to experience that aforementioned feeling and so I signed that contract. Looking back, I wish I had done more research on the Army and had consulted more recruiters or knowledgable people regarding potential options. I don’t regret joining the Army or the Infantry as I feel it has and will continue to make me a stronger person in the long run. However, I do think if I had done more research, I’d be in an MOS where my skills can actually contribute something and I would be a lot happier.