Random musings of an insecure narcissist

Month: April, 2015


I found my skill and it is writing. However, I had no idea what to do after the fact. There are a lot of people that can write in this world and the internet has essentially created a subculture of “writers” through blogs, social media, and various other outlets. I thought it was idealistic of me to think that someone would see something I wrote and think so highly of it that it would distinguish my work from all of the others. However, I realized the old saying, it’s not what you know, it’s who you know is appropriate in this context.

The analogy I’ll use in this case is related to basketball, of course. In my opinion, Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time. Granted, I am nowhere near that level of writing, so I am not suggesting that in any manner. However, with that being said, I know there are a lot of great basketball players out there who, for whatever reason, didn’t get the shot or opportunity to play in the NBA whether it be through family issues, personal demons, or other miscellaneous reasons. Using that same logic, there are a lot of good writers out there who never get that look or opportunity because they wait for the magical moment. I am, or better yet, I like to think, was one of those people. I thought I had found my skill and the energy of the universe would figure out the algorithm which would allow me to write and make a suitable income.

I used to write papers for people, edit papers, and just dabble a little bit here and there. But there was a long period in which I didn’t write anything because I was worried what people would think or I thought I was tooting my own horn. I thought people were simply being kind and saying the stuff I wrote is not that bad. I didn’t have the same confidence or belief in my work that some family and friends did. I thought it was a pipe dream at best that I could actually write and make a living off of it. However, my mindset is slowly, but surely, evolving in this regard. I have been writing a lot more lately and it has been somewhat therapeutic. My mindset is not fully where it needs to be but I have been working on it and have made a conscious effort to keep writing. I have sent some of my work to good friends of mine and they have agreed to email it and share with other people. The more eyes I get on it, the better my chances will be. All I know now is that I have to try, I have to do this for myself. I can’t be anyone else and I can’t fit the mold my parents or anyone else has in mind for me. I am who I am, and despite my faults, this could be my ticket to a brighter future. It may be idealistic rambling or it may be the start to something beautiful, only time will tell.




Bored at work

I’m currently sitting at this desk waiting for lunch time. It is another day at work where I wish I were doing something else somewhere else. Of course, today is April 20th or, simply put, 4/20, another excuse, like anyone needs one, for people to light up the marijuana and smoke it in the manner they wish. I am in the military, so, of course, I do not partake and will not partake. However, lately, I have been dreaming of a beach. I am not much of a beach person but I can’t shake this image out of my  head. Each day I wake up and I see visions of a future that may be in grasp if only I take the proper steps to ensure it. My family and that hope are two guiding forces that keep me sane in this desert. I am glad I joined the Army as it has made me a stronger person and more disciplined. Also, it has shown me pain and struggle and pushed me outside of my comfort zone. However, I cannot sit here and say that I do not, once in a while, wish I could sit in the privacy of my room and occasionally smoke some marijuana. Others are getting drunk out of their minds and are able to do so while I cannot take part in smoking a plant that has never killed anyone. I have never hidden or lied about supporting legalization of marijuana. I like the space it puts me in and the euphoria it provides is second to none. Granted, that euphoria is not something to always chase as that’s a rabbit hole that one can get lost in. All I know is I have choices to make in the coming year and those will set the course of events that will make up my life the next few years. I am getting to the age where indecisiveness has to go and I have to make a choice whether I think I’m ready or not. I want to be doing something that I enjoy and can make an income off of. That seems like an idealistic ideal these days but I believe it is possible if I just embrace my talent and try to push it as far as it can take me. If I dont’ do this, then I know I will grow to be a bitter old man who will spend his days thinking, what if? That’s the last thing I want and as such, I plan to take many more chances and to push myself further out of my comfort zone to get the things I want out of life. Because as they say, you only have on life to live and it is yours to make or waste. I am beginning to truly realize what that means as I get older. I will be 26 in less than a month and there is a lot I want to accomplish in the next 10 years or so.


The premise behind this post is simple much like the title suggests. I am currently in the military and I am proud of serving the United States; however, I have a little less than 2 years left and I am contemplating my future. I have a Bachelor’s degree in psychology but my true passion is reading, and by extension, writing. I was always told I was a good writer by people who either couldn’t or didn’t want to do it for themselves. I would write papers for people or simply “edit” what they had written in college. It wasn’t too bad because it’s the one thing that has always come to me somewhat naturally. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some prodigy who was writing best-sellers out of the womb. I had to work at it, but the more I read, the better I became at articulating myself, at least on paper. The words would just flow similar to a faucet and I would not have to exert much effort in the process. It felt good being able to do something in that manner without having to spend painstaking hours or mere drawn out minutes trying to come up with the perfect word and pull it out of thin air. On a whim, albeit I had my reasons, I joined the Army and the Infantry. I had my reasons at the time and I am not in the business of beating dead horses anymore. With that being said, I realize I have to do what comes most naturally: write. Too often, I’d complain to people and buy into the idea that there is no money in writing. While I readily agree it is a very competitive field and everyone and their mom’s seems to be writing novels about miscellaneous subjects. Networking is my best friend at the moment, that’s the means in which I can get my name out there. I have to keep writing and keep putting out new material so I don’t get rusty, and better yet, I don’t lose hope. I’m tired of doing things I don’t want to do. I’m tired of giving in and listening to the advice of family members and being miserable in the process. I understand they have my best interests in mind; however, it is up to me to create my own path. I have always marched to the beat of my own drum, so to speak, and I will continue to do so. We all have one life to live and some of us get too caught up in trying to please others and forgetting about the person that matters most: the person in the mirror. I am learning more and more about myself through my writing as I feel it is when I am most honest with myself. I let the emotion seep onto the page rather than suppressing it and as a result, it becomes more therapy than mere words on a page. I get into a zone that few things in life allow me to get into. When I’m in that zone, I don’t know exactly where I “go” but it’s a trance-like state that grants my fingers the freedom to keep moving and expressing the thoughts in my head. It takes a piece of me and translates it into words which I can share with the world or whoever cares to read this.

Links to articles I wrote for The East Carolinian.


My humble attempt at poetry, a poem I call “Writing”.

Writing comes from the soul
You let go of things you didn’t even know
For the canvas is a collection of your innermost thoughts and unique to you
Often told in a voice you’re not even sure of
The ink bleeds onto the page and therapy ensues
You unload all of the extra baggage
And embrace your truths
Even though they might conflict with the world’s truths
You take in the self-doubt and you keep writing in hopes that you reach a place of understanding
One that was not previously present
By delving into the soul
And unearthing things you didn’t want to know
The process can be both therapeutic and painful
That is the curse of the writer
It can be a crippling experience or a window into the truth that is much more telling than one’s eyes
The pen opens up a window into the version of yourself that even your closet friends and confidants might not have known