ballerz120

Random musings of an insecure narcissist

Month: July, 2015

Honesty

Writing serves as a sort of Pandora’s box into the soul of a person. For whatever reason, I feel the need to be extremely honest in my blog. I feel that vulnerability brings certain truths to light that I may not talk about in everyday life. With that being said, I am anxious about the future. I have 1 year and 5 months left in the Army and I have not decided if I am staying in or getting out. Being that we just got back from leave not too long ago, I am leaning towards getting out at this particular time. However, that changes as often as my mood. I do not have a definitive answer on the subject as I am pondering my options. I want to do something that I can both enjoy and make a suitable income off of. In this day and age, that sounds like an idealist’s wet dream; however, I know it can be done if I put in the work. It’s just a matter of discovering my niche; I know what I excel at but I do not know how to advertise that skill or turn it into a marketable tool. I am looking into master’s programs as going back to school was always part of my plan. I am looking into Journalism programs because I want to utilize the one skill I seem to have: writing. I’ve been like a sloth trying to wake up  when it comes to the actual wring part but once in a blue moon, I feel somewhat inspired. It’s a bittersweet feeling thinking about the future as two warring factions are going at it. It’s as if my hopes and my fears are  at a stalemate and thus cancel each other out.  When you’re younger, your decisions can be as whimsical as your mood without much real-world consequences. However, as you age, you realize the weight each decision carries and that they tend to have real-world consequences in relation to the trajectory your life takes. A lot of research and thought will go into this next decision unlike many I’ve made in the past. I’m beginning to see past the naïveté of old and, as such, realizing my decisions have an impact not only on myself but others as well. Only time will tell what I ultimately decide.

Marriage

I am an American who was raised in an Indian household. As a result, my life has been a collision course, of sorts, between two cultures. I consider myself both Indian and American. I have lived my life loving both cultures as both appeal to me in different ways. I turned 26 about two months ago and I am steadily approaching the big 3-0. Therefore, my parents, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are all wondering when I’ll take the plunge and get married. The closer you get to 30, the more they get worried and wonder why you’re not married yet. I am set on finding a girl on my own and do not want to go the arranged marriage route; however, patience is wearing thin as my family is wondering why I don’t have a girlfriend. It’s not for lack of trying but I have always been a shy or awkward person.  I have broken out of my shell greatly through college and the Army but I have yet to meet anyone with whom things might have a chance of going further. I either ruin it or it runs its course and I’m back to square one. All I know is the next few years will entail making some decisions that will dictate the direction my life will go in the foreseeable future. I’m cynical but I hope I’m able to find her on my own. Only time will tell.