ballerz120

Random musings of an insecure narcissist

Future

I’m both hopeful and scared to death of what the future holds. I turned 26 a month ago and I am reaching the point of understanding the ramifications of my decisions. I can be quite impulsive and I have made some life-changing decisions simply on impulse. Joining the Army was mainly an impulsive decision albeit I had other reasons I decided to sign that contract as well. While there are days where I question certain decisions, I believe the Army has helped me grow as a person and given me an education college did not. However idealistic, I retain a hopeful feeling in regards to the future. Only time will tell what the future holds; however, in this precise moment, I believe good things are in store.

Alone

Alone

That’s how I feel most of the time

A deep-rooted fascination with gangs

For once I just wanted to belong

Feeling like an outcast who can’t be loved

The pain runs deep even though there’s no scars in the physical form

Tormented by negative thoughts

Seeping into my skin like a permanent body wash

It hurts to the point I don’t want to leave my room

The feeling of loneliness creeps up

And it’s more powerful than any punch from the Hulk

I can’t help but lie down and sulk

Wanting to be loved and accepted

Instead it’s just me and this pen, me and this notepad

Trying to put onto the page what my mind is dictating

A quicksand of hopelessness

I fall deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole

I just want to be loved.

Mayweather vs. Pacquiao/Spurs vs. Clippers

This past Saturday was an eventful one. I decided early on in the day that I was going to watch the new Avengers. I enjoyed the movie and it had its moments but, for whatever reason, I was happy when it was over. It seemed parts of it just dragged on for me. Then I went to Buffalo Wild Wings and paid the $20 cover charge so I could watch Mayweather vs. Pacquiao.  I am reluctantly a fan of Mayweather, not his fighting style per se, but his technical prowess. He is nowhere near one of the more exciting fighters to watch but you begrudgingly begin to respect his mastery of his craft: the art of boxing. That’s why I could tell a lot of people in Buffalo Wild Wings in that moment were not really fans of boxing but their hatred of Mayweather is what spurred them on.

Every time Pacquiao threw a flurry of punches, there would be an uproar at Buffalo Wild Wings even though most of those punches did not land. It was the thought of Mayweather getting hurt or the mere possibility of him getting knocked out that excited people like nothing else. I am a fan of Pacquiao as he is not only a good boxer but he is aggressive, and as a result, he is exciting to watch. Pacquiao is known to knock people out and his fighting style is entertaining because he puts it all on the line. Mayweather is much more reserved and doesn’t deviate much from his game plan and his style of fighting. Mayweather is a defensive ace and a counter puncher, not a brawler or a street fighter. I was disappointed like many others at the actual fight. These guys ran off with $300 million and I could have watched a more exciting fight in the parking lot. Pacquiao had a few flurries which excited the crowd but the replay showed most of his punches were not landing. Not only that, but his punches were not hurting Mayweather as the crowd had hoped. Regardless, I am glad that I got to watch it as people will talk about this fight years’ down the road even it was truly underwhelming.

The Spurs vs. the Clippers game lived up to the billing of everything a game 7 should be. It was the old school vs. the new school, so to speak. The Spurs’ are a coach’s wet dream as they play the game the right way. They follow the system and are well-coached. Their core of Duncan, Parker, and Ginobili have been playing together for a very long time and as a result, they know each others strengths and weaknesses quite well. The Clippers are a relatively young and exciting team. The Clippers’ teams of old sucked ass and were a laughingstock compared to their LA counterparts. However, with the acquisition of Chris Paul and the emergence of Blake Griffin, they have seemingly improved each year. Blake Griffin’s game has expanded greatly and he is no longer just a guy who makes posters for a living. He has added a mid-range touch to his game and that has made him a bigger threat than he was. Chris Paul is the perennial point guard and excellent with the ball while limiting turnovers. With all that being said, it was a great game. The Spurs put up a hell of a fight and I was rooting for them because I know their days are numbered. I was hoping for one final run by a team that has been doing it for so long. No matter how they perform in the early part of the season, the Spurs always show up when it’s close to the post-season. Kudos to Chris Paul though, he willed his team to victory. More importantly, he put his team on his back in the waning seconds and hit a hell of a shot off the backboard over Duncan. It was a good Saturday.

Self-Doubt

Self doubt is my cologne It’s the reason I’m alone, having no belief in myself like a pitcher who stops throwing or the fighter who stops punching the rationale behind it is muddied and sounds like an excuse but it’s a prison tougher than Alcatraz I want to believe in myself but it’s like trying to stay afloat in quicksand the harder I try the deeper I fall into a depression that’s not quickly remedied, the self doubt seeps into my skin like a virus and takes over my consciousness like an alien host. I want to continue but I’ll end this post.

Networking

I found my skill and it is writing. However, I had no idea what to do after the fact. There are a lot of people that can write in this world and the internet has essentially created a subculture of “writers” through blogs, social media, and various other outlets. I thought it was idealistic of me to think that someone would see something I wrote and think so highly of it that it would distinguish my work from all of the others. However, I realized the old saying, it’s not what you know, it’s who you know is appropriate in this context.

The analogy I’ll use in this case is related to basketball, of course. In my opinion, Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time. Granted, I am nowhere near that level of writing, so I am not suggesting that in any manner. However, with that being said, I know there are a lot of great basketball players out there who, for whatever reason, didn’t get the shot or opportunity to play in the NBA whether it be through family issues, personal demons, or other miscellaneous reasons. Using that same logic, there are a lot of good writers out there who never get that look or opportunity because they wait for the magical moment. I am, or better yet, I like to think, was one of those people. I thought I had found my skill and the energy of the universe would figure out the algorithm which would allow me to write and make a suitable income.

I used to write papers for people, edit papers, and just dabble a little bit here and there. But there was a long period in which I didn’t write anything because I was worried what people would think or I thought I was tooting my own horn. I thought people were simply being kind and saying the stuff I wrote is not that bad. I didn’t have the same confidence or belief in my work that some family and friends did. I thought it was a pipe dream at best that I could actually write and make a living off of it. However, my mindset is slowly, but surely, evolving in this regard. I have been writing a lot more lately and it has been somewhat therapeutic. My mindset is not fully where it needs to be but I have been working on it and have made a conscious effort to keep writing. I have sent some of my work to good friends of mine and they have agreed to email it and share with other people. The more eyes I get on it, the better my chances will be. All I know now is that I have to try, I have to do this for myself. I can’t be anyone else and I can’t fit the mold my parents or anyone else has in mind for me. I am who I am, and despite my faults, this could be my ticket to a brighter future. It may be idealistic rambling or it may be the start to something beautiful, only time will tell.

 

 

Bored at work

I’m currently sitting at this desk waiting for lunch time. It is another day at work where I wish I were doing something else somewhere else. Of course, today is April 20th or, simply put, 4/20, another excuse, like anyone needs one, for people to light up the marijuana and smoke it in the manner they wish. I am in the military, so, of course, I do not partake and will not partake. However, lately, I have been dreaming of a beach. I am not much of a beach person but I can’t shake this image out of my  head. Each day I wake up and I see visions of a future that may be in grasp if only I take the proper steps to ensure it. My family and that hope are two guiding forces that keep me sane in this desert. I am glad I joined the Army as it has made me a stronger person and more disciplined. Also, it has shown me pain and struggle and pushed me outside of my comfort zone. However, I cannot sit here and say that I do not, once in a while, wish I could sit in the privacy of my room and occasionally smoke some marijuana. Others are getting drunk out of their minds and are able to do so while I cannot take part in smoking a plant that has never killed anyone. I have never hidden or lied about supporting legalization of marijuana. I like the space it puts me in and the euphoria it provides is second to none. Granted, that euphoria is not something to always chase as that’s a rabbit hole that one can get lost in. All I know is I have choices to make in the coming year and those will set the course of events that will make up my life the next few years. I am getting to the age where indecisiveness has to go and I have to make a choice whether I think I’m ready or not. I want to be doing something that I enjoy and can make an income off of. That seems like an idealistic ideal these days but I believe it is possible if I just embrace my talent and try to push it as far as it can take me. If I dont’ do this, then I know I will grow to be a bitter old man who will spend his days thinking, what if? That’s the last thing I want and as such, I plan to take many more chances and to push myself further out of my comfort zone to get the things I want out of life. Because as they say, you only have on life to live and it is yours to make or waste. I am beginning to truly realize what that means as I get older. I will be 26 in less than a month and there is a lot I want to accomplish in the next 10 years or so.

Writing

The premise behind this post is simple much like the title suggests. I am currently in the military and I am proud of serving the United States; however, I have a little less than 2 years left and I am contemplating my future. I have a Bachelor’s degree in psychology but my true passion is reading, and by extension, writing. I was always told I was a good writer by people who either couldn’t or didn’t want to do it for themselves. I would write papers for people or simply “edit” what they had written in college. It wasn’t too bad because it’s the one thing that has always come to me somewhat naturally. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some prodigy who was writing best-sellers out of the womb. I had to work at it, but the more I read, the better I became at articulating myself, at least on paper. The words would just flow similar to a faucet and I would not have to exert much effort in the process. It felt good being able to do something in that manner without having to spend painstaking hours or mere drawn out minutes trying to come up with the perfect word and pull it out of thin air. On a whim, albeit I had my reasons, I joined the Army and the Infantry. I had my reasons at the time and I am not in the business of beating dead horses anymore. With that being said, I realize I have to do what comes most naturally: write. Too often, I’d complain to people and buy into the idea that there is no money in writing. While I readily agree it is a very competitive field and everyone and their mom’s seems to be writing novels about miscellaneous subjects. Networking is my best friend at the moment, that’s the means in which I can get my name out there. I have to keep writing and keep putting out new material so I don’t get rusty, and better yet, I don’t lose hope. I’m tired of doing things I don’t want to do. I’m tired of giving in and listening to the advice of family members and being miserable in the process. I understand they have my best interests in mind; however, it is up to me to create my own path. I have always marched to the beat of my own drum, so to speak, and I will continue to do so. We all have one life to live and some of us get too caught up in trying to please others and forgetting about the person that matters most: the person in the mirror. I am learning more and more about myself through my writing as I feel it is when I am most honest with myself. I let the emotion seep onto the page rather than suppressing it and as a result, it becomes more therapy than mere words on a page. I get into a zone that few things in life allow me to get into. When I’m in that zone, I don’t know exactly where I “go” but it’s a trance-like state that grants my fingers the freedom to keep moving and expressing the thoughts in my head. It takes a piece of me and translates it into words which I can share with the world or whoever cares to read this.

Links to articles I wrote for The East Carolinian.

http://www.theeastcarolinian.com/news/article_4b44cb3a-6e14-5c6f-95d2-73b632c734a6.html

http://www.theeastcarolinian.com/news/article_4b6d24cf-4fe0-5602-8d77-bfc85aecaad2.html

http://www.theeastcarolinian.com/news/article_403d0886-9d63-56dc-960c-18a613d63e19.html

http://www.theeastcarolinian.com/news/article_35ddba0f-8913-5b7b-9475-92c362ae6898.html

http://www.theeastcarolinian.com/news/article_e6f8e0e8-fbd4-5451-aaf0-47efdb9bed7d.html

http://www.theeastcarolinian.com/news/article_bc3e8270-c2a7-577c-8974-c9c22273cb62.html

 

My humble attempt at poetry, a poem I call “Writing”.

Writing comes from the soul
You let go of things you didn’t even know
For the canvas is a collection of your innermost thoughts and unique to you
Often told in a voice you’re not even sure of
The ink bleeds onto the page and therapy ensues
You unload all of the extra baggage
And embrace your truths
Even though they might conflict with the world’s truths
You take in the self-doubt and you keep writing in hopes that you reach a place of understanding
One that was not previously present
By delving into the soul
And unearthing things you didn’t want to know
The process can be both therapeutic and painful
That is the curse of the writer
It can be a crippling experience or a window into the truth that is much more telling than one’s eyes
The pen opens up a window into the version of yourself that even your closet friends and confidants might not have known

Flickering Light Switch

The sporadic nature of my blog posts serves as a perfect example of what I’m going to write about in this post. Often, I write that I think of motivation as a flickering light switch. At times, for me, at least, I’m on  the “On” side and I’m going full force at trying to reach my goals. However, it seems the bill is not paid for in full and, as such, my motivation quickly turns “off” after an indefinite amount of time. I’ve started a new running program and only time will tell if I stick with it. I’m trying to improve my run time for the PT test and, in general, improve my cardiovascular fitness. It’s always been an uneasy marriage between lifting and running for me. I love lifting weights as it gives me a shot of endorphins that’s almost unrivaled. However, in order to maximize the PT test, I have to improve my run time as that is my weakest point and the one thing keeping me from a score of 270+. I have never struggled with running like I have in El Paso. I can no longer use the elevation as an excuse as I have almost been here for a year and a half. As such, I’m going to divide the days with interval training and distance runs. I will not lift as much for the next couple of weeks as my main focus is the run. I digressed from the original point but the main focus is trying to keep the light switch, so to speak, on the “on” position. Too often, I get discouraged by certain events or the negativity of others. Other people are not dictionaries, they can’t define you. You have the power to define yourself and other people have to respect that once your goals comes to fruition. Motivation comes from everywhere, it’s just a matter of letting it come to you. I let everyting motivate me when I’m on the correct side of the light switch. People asking me stupid fucking questions about being a vegetarian motivates me. People constantly asking me if I’m a vegan when I’m drinking a glass of milk in front of them motivates me. The fact that I can out-lift and I’m stronger than a lot of people that talk shit motivates me. The fact I’m Indian and in the Infantry motivates me. Sometimes it’s real and sometimes it’s perceived but sources of motivation come from everywhere. I follow the Rock on Instagram and his page is always inspiring. He’s a behemoth of a man and yet, he’s still motivated to go to the gym every day and kill it no matter what his schedule looks like. There’s a guy who can take a break for a while if he wanted to but he’d rather keep going . That is inspiring to say the least. Writing is another example. Sometimes, I’m very motivated to write and update this blog. Other times, I just see it as a futile effort and think nobody gives a fuck about what I think or what I write about. Sometimes, I think I have a future as a writer and other times, I think it’s a hopeless endeavor and I need to stop wasting my time. Point is, it’s an uphill battle no matter which goal you’re referring to. The people that succeed are the ones that stick with it no matter the negativity or the doubts of others. More importantly, they stick with it no matter their own doubts and reservations. Nobody in this world can put the work in for you. At this moment, I’m feeling motivated and I’m feeling good because I just ran about an hour ago. However, as the endorphins wear off and the euphoria subsides, only time will tell if I’ll continue to make progress.